Insignificant

I've never been popular. I've never had many friends. But I've mentioned all that in a post before. Tonight I wanted to talk about something different.

I want to talk about feeling insignificant and unwanted. 

I'm the quiet friend. The person who blends into the background. As an introvert, I tend to zone in and out of social interaction. It's the best way I can really describe it. 

That being the case, all my life, I've struggled with feeling insignificant. I worry that my presence often means nothing. Because I am quieter. Because I'm not a very social person. I feel like people start to see me as part of the background instead of an important, contributing person in a group of friends. 

When I came to poly, I thought that this feeling that I did not matter would go away. It didn't. Everyday I struggled with the fact that I was not able to be enough. I was putting in a 100% to suppress my feeling to run and hide. I struggled to put myself out there. But apparently that still wasn't enough.

I was fighting to find my place with my friends. It seemed like everyone else knew where they stood. But I was there just trying to fit in. It was hard work. Sometimes my brain would scream at me to retreat after a conversation but I would fight the urge and I would continue being social simply so that people wouldn't think me strange.

I'm still looking for that one person. That one friend who will finally understand me and what makes me tick. That one person who sees me. Actually sees me and doesn't put me down as being background noise. I guess I crave being understood and accepted for the first time in my life. I don't want to be insignificant. I don't want to not matter.

I'm writing this on impulse. I saw something on twitter that made me very upset and I had to let it out. So here it is. My messy emotions have been thrown here. Hopefully I'll be able to sleep now. 

Good night